Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
