the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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