i don't like sucking hair
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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