His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
