i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
