Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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