Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sarcasm needs its own font
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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