her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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