We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
