Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
