Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
