remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
