i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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