Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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