And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
