it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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