What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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