I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Randomize
