There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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