I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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