if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
