when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
