i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
