My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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