i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
