How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
