im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
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