he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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