I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
