if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
