I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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