I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
