I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
