How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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