just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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