I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
