new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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