If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
