can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm having to shit out rocks
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
