I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
