i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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