Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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