Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
