come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
