i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
