at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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