i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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