i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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