just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well I just put wine in my tea
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
