sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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