i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I met the friendliest cop last night
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
they're like a gay fantastic four
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
