How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
