How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
